I started to wrote a little stroy bout my life with the first chapter complete, its in the form of a letter. Please say what you think and how i can improve it...


My heart pounded in my chest trying to find a way out, as I saw you on facebook. I knew you were unaware that your facebook was the only one I went on a daily routine, well maybe, more off a hourly routine. I couldn’t help it seeing you in pictures my whole body would freeze and there would be the hole in my chest that you created nearly 5 months ago. You would have forgotten all about me. You, Sean Carl Leigh Bowdidge was never the one to remember the bad stuff in life, and in your eyes, we were not good together. I clicked on your profile and selected the button known as ‘add as friend’, I though maybe if you had forgotten about me, you would accept, to you i knew, it would be like “oh a new friend on facebook”, but to me it was my everything accepting me as I am. I knew that was the false truth. I miss you and I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

I have joined so many groups on facebook and they all relate to you, ‘You’re the first person I look for when I log on MSN’, ‘You don’t know what you got till its gone’, ‘ “You can do better” I don’t want better’, ‘Typing what you really wanna say, but then deleting it’. OMG there are hundreds. I know I won’t be whole until or if me and you are together again. Its like them 8 months meant nothing to you but everything to me. I never thought I would feel such a strong feeling towards anyone, but this is the world. I decided staring at your pictures wasn’t a good idea at the moment, I could tell that it would all be to much and I would curl up in the pitch black and scream my house down, I couldn’t let anyone know I suffered, so I would wait till the early hours of the morning that’s about the time I wake up from your amazing face and realise nothing can give you back to me, that was all I wanted, forget that, all I needed, you are my world, you are my heaven smack bang in the middle of hell, which is known as this world.

My best friend helped me a lot in these past 5 months and I knew I could always count on her in the end, so I thought I would bring up my depressed mood hoping she could cheer me up, but then I thought better of it, she didn’t need to suffer cause I was, I would continue doing it my way. Suffering in silence. I was a small town girl, living in this lonely world with about

6,796,300,000 other people in it. Your words rang through my head but it was more like I was reading them than being told them, “forever Demi”, that was what we both said, why did you give up on me? You knew almost every little detail about me and I wasted time not getting to know enough about you, though I feel as I know you inside and out. I took yours and you took mine that would never change, we would both always have that, that cherished memory. At least I would have it, I cherished every second that we shared, good or bad, it will always be there, not for you but forever for me.

Two days later and I regret clicking on your profile ‘In a relationship with Jess Aries’. I felt like my heart fell outta me when ‘In a relationship” stared at me in the face. I knew tonight the dream would became a nightmare and I would do something stupid in the morning. I knew all along it made no sense for you to love me because I was your ex girlfriend’s friend but you always claimed to not care and that you had never felt a love as strong as ours but I knew you was a ladies man, I knew that wasn’t true but something kept telling me to believe you, maybe it was the way your hands lingered on my waist, the way you hesitated the first time we kissed, maybe the way you looked so innocent when you first said “I love you” to me or maybe it was just my heart telling me this was really happening and you did want and love me the same way I wanted and love you. You said ‘forever, that’s a promise’ but forever is still continuing and I’m here all alone without your love, I’m just not whole without your love.

I remember your words, our song;

I can be your hero baby, I can kiss away the pain, I will stand by you forever, You can take my breath away, Would you swear that you'll always be mine? Would you lie? Would you run away? Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?
I don't care, you're here tonight.

These lyrics ring through my mind most days, every time the songs played you become a character in my daydreams. Your sweet voice, you flavoured breathe against my skin as we kissed and you would whispered, “I love you Demi”. I stopped thinking there I was getting ahead of myself on so many levels. I decided to do something to keep me busy and I wanted a drink, so getting a drink it was. Unfortunately it was the kind of thing that kept my hands busy for a few minutes and my heart and mind were getting way out of my control and I could stop… Sean this… Sean that. Your not that important, you are not the centre of the universe. The centre of my universe was a completely different story. I just couldn’t handle myself and wanted to scream, to be in your arms once again, to feel safe like I haven’t since before… the finally end. My story was over to never be recreated by two people again, at least not the two people who created it in the first place. That thought made me unhappy I had to get you out of my mind, I would save our memories for bed time where me and you are happy together and when the world made sense to me, also known as my perfectly amazing, harmless dreams. At least harmless to anyone but myself because my dreams starred you every night and every night I would always push my dream that little bit further and I would end up regretting it later, when I became all depressed and all empty, like before.

  • Current Music


Louder, louder, the voices in my head, whispers taunting all the things you said. Faster the days go by and I'm still stuck in this moment of wanting you here. Time. In the blink of an eye, you held my hand, you held me tight. Now you're gone, and I'm still crying
shocked, broken, I'm dying inside.
Where are you?
I need you, don't leave me here on my own. Speak to me. Be near me. I can't survive unless I know you're with me.
Shadows linger, only to my eye, I see you, I feel you, don't leave my side. It's not fair, just when I found my world, they took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart
I miss you, you hurt me, you left with a smile. Mistaken, your sadness was hiding inside, now all that's left are the pieces to find, the mystery you kept. The soul behind a guise
Where are you?
I need you, don't leave me here on my own. Speak to me. Be near me. I can't survive unless I know you're with me
Why did you go?
All these questions run through my mind, I wish I couldn't feel at all, let me be numb.
I'm starting to fall
Where are you?
I need you, don't leave me here on my own. Speak to me. Be near me. I can't survive unless I know you're with me.
Where are you?
Where are you?

You were smiling

  • Current Music
    Haunted - Kelly Clarkson

(no subject)

This is the second day we ent been at school  'cause this snow. I dont really like the snow but you gottta live wiht it to be honest. i have a paragraph on my History essay (("The german people followed Hitler because they were afraid" How much do you agree with this interpretation?)) to do ((which was due today but we have no school)) but i guess i should really do it and then i have to copy some notes into my anathology for english, as i forgot mine on tuesday.
I also really should do some of my food coursewrork but i really can't be bothered at the moment.
Only about 5-6 months left of school. thankgoodness.

you believe me, every single lie, i failed you this time, and it feels like tonight, 
I can't believe im broken inside, can't you see theres nothing left i wanna do but try to make it up to you and it feels like tonight
I was waiting for the day coming around, i was chasing and nothing was all i found, from the moment you came into my life, you showed me whats right, and it feels like tonight.
I can't believe im broken inside there nothing left i wanna do but try to make it up to you and it feels like tonight.
I never felt like this before i just wanna leave im back tonight, nothing else matters, and in these changing days your the one thing that remains and i could sit like this forever and it feels like tonight.
I can't believe im broken inside can't you see, theres nothing left i wanna do but try and make it up to you and it feels like tonightt.. and it feels like tonight.
cause theres nothing left i wanna do but try and make it up to you and
it feels like tonigght ...tonight.

So okaa, im gonna work on my History now.

I finsihed it. Im a good girl :)

Jake keeps texting me, i think its pretty amazing after everything how he still likes me

  • Current Music
    Tonight - Draughty


My boyfriend(now ex)     ...Jake. split with me. Im not that fussed   ...because
IM MADLY DEEPLY TRULY IN LOVE WITH DARRELL. (before i was with Jake, i was his girl.)

And now Jake wants me back. tuff shizz to be honest.
DARRELL'S for me and to be honest i know it sounds silly but hes all i can think about sooo...

its really MENTALLY though to be honest.

and it is


like mad .. <3
  • Current Music
  • Tags

(no subject)

ima going shopping nd then having friends round for a good girlie nigth with alcohol, DVDs and ice-cream.
Perfect :)

Nightt :) xo

P.S i realy mis my ex boyfriend sean,
i was asleep at his house a year today
to many memories with him.
  • Current Music
    SCRUBS in the backgroundd :)

Writer's Block: Reflections

What are your fondest memories of 2009? What were the low points? All told, what were the most significant events of 2009? Do you wish you could do it all over again?

2OO9 Low points  ...umm loads ov umm
finally realising what a dick my ex boyfriend was but still being madly in love with him.
my cat, Tiger, died :(.
2OO9 Good points ....
being myself.

I would but then i wouldnt do it all again
1 cause it turned out horrible
but then 2 cause obv... it made me me.